Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
