Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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