How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
