I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
