Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Randomize
