I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
