This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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