he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
