we have pet lesbian snakes
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
