so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
