So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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