I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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