Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
