Jerry, you need to find god
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
