These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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