woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
