dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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