Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
