I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
