WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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