dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
