WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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