Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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