I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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