Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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