My sheets look like a crime scene.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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