All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
