dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
