I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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