The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
