It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
