I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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