I am midnight drunk by noon
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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