before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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