1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
