You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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