You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
