She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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