M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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