I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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