So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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