it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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