forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
