My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just pynch a tree in the face
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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