Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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