You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
