Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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