i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
