There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize