Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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