She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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