i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
