I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
