I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
