i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
