my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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