All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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