I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
