dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
