My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
